December 12, 2017
She showed me everything that was wrong with me. Others have done the same but they only had certain pieces, not enough for me to see the message in the big picture. But now I see the image and it is a big fat "you are wrong". Growing up I didn't have a lot of people to guide me, so I attached myself to principles and ideas. I had to trust my mind to figure things out. Which developed into this need for my thoughts to be right, if I couldn't figure something out that meant that I failed at guiding myself. Coming from a place where the misguided die young I couldn't allow myself to give up on my mind, the stakes were too high. People I care about die often and I would cry because I couldn't save them. I couldn't protect from the world, I couldn't guide them to safety and in the back of my mind I thought I would die young too. I was afraid that I would fail at guiding myself and end up as misguided as everyone I know. The more responsible I felt for caring and protecting the people in my life the more it began to break me down. I started to feel like nothing, there were too many people I was trying to give my all to in order to protect them. So I thought giving whatever I had left to make them happy (poems, compliments, an ear to vent to) was good for me because it felt good to make people happy. I thought that because it felt good that, that meant I was healing myself. But healing does not always feel good. It took someone to tell me how much of an egotistic jerk I was for thinking I could save everyone and rob them of their power to save themselves for me to really see the path to my own healing. "You are not God" is what she kept telling me. "You think you're so smart, you think you're always right, you think you're helping people but you never ask them what they need". And she is right, I never asked because I thought I knew everything that I had to give. But not asking what people needed and only giving what I had, left everyone unfulfilled, especially me. My mind did not figure this out, my ego blinded me with feelings of compassion, and stopped me from seeing the absolute truth, that I was completely wrong.
So this is goodbye for a while, I finally have what I need to heal and I don't want to try to save anyone until I can protect and save myself. These are my mistakes and I trust that whoever is reading this post is capable of finding their own way to healing themselves, even if that means asking for help.